Updated: Aug 5, 2020
Have you ever felt angry about being angry?
Hmm.. Allow me to rephrase my question. Have you felt angry lately about the feeling of being inadequate?
Then continue reading because this is for you.
I remember several years ago I was only a child about the age of 3 or 4, I was playing with my brother and I don’t exactly remember what he did, but I remember my anger. I think if I am quoting very accurately that I took a hot iron and was going to lunge it at him.
Fast forward to now, I have kids, I have watched them get angry and most times because I was controlled, I have tried to control them instead of trying to understand them, pray for them and teach them about what it is they’re feeling.
Some would say my anger was inherited, but believe me, when I felt it, allow me to further say, I felt like a rising Hulk on the inside. Everything became little and it felt like I transformed within, of course without the green scales. However indeed, whatever was close could suffer the attack of being held, squeezed, smashed or destroyed. LOL. I think I exaggerate, I don’t think I went that far, but for the most part, I felt like I could feel the house shaking or maybe it was me shaking. LOL.
I was an odd kid with so much passion! I feel with everything in me. Having a son like me has helped me to appreciate myself better. Passion to love! Passion to drive! Passion to even fly! Passion to make anything happen! I am passionate enough to succeed at everything I set my heart to do, however, there was a but for me! It felt like when I got angry, I felt like a beast was within me. I had equal passion with my emotions..
I love my parents, but I write this humbly to reach other people like me who felt the sting of culture and religion by being too much! My emotion was misunderstood and it drove me into isolation. Most people thought I was being a good girl by not flirting with boys, but I wasn’t being a good girl at all. I was just so heavily ashamed and depressed about who I am- the anger, the rage, the inability to handle my emotions properly.
The impulsive cries at the onset of a romantic movie. Boy! What a feeler I am! I mean I cried mostly to God to take away my anger, but now I see how foolish I was to have asked Him all these years to take it away. I was praying the wrong prayers..
So, I struggled in the confines of my own home. I was often sarcastically mocked because I was such a lover of God. I used my talents and sang in the choir, but I was never supposed to be angry, so I locked “the beast” in me away.. My anger turned to tears and it was my succor at bed time. I couldn’t identify with anyone, so it made me a scapegoat.
As I kept growing into a woman, I mastered a way to have my anger controlled or rather suppressed. I mastered perfectionism! I did everything everyone wanted me to do perfectly and stayed out of trouble. I had created the perfect prison for myself. Locked “the beast” away and made everyone happy for the most part, but when the beast came out, what I thought was controlled only got worse with each expression.
I grew up but I was never allowed to accept my own anger! I never had a right to my own vulnerable expression of it. Do it soft, “you cry too much,” do it loud, “you’re too aggressive!” I grew up cultured, but angry! Most times, I was just angry about not being adequate.
I am a lover and when I love, I love completely, I didn’t care if you were hiding your beast, I was just craving to be accepted, until I ended up in cycles of abuse. I had been so abused, it took me a minute to recognize or figure out who I am!
Several years in a twist of self isolation and excessive pretense to conform and be accepted and the greatest truth of all was I needed to accept me first. The original me that my parents couldn’t love or accept the agape way.. They loved me their way, but God’s love heals at the very core!
The beautiful thing about healing is it moves with the universal truth of acceptance. Healing does come to what you carefully open up to the universe!
So many of us have locked our best selves away, because we were told that it was never going to be accepted! They don’t tell you they don’t accept you, they just get mad at you and complain about the way you expressed emotions excessively about something you didn’t like! You were just too much of a child!
Now that I think of it, there are only a few people who I have felt the depth of love with, who have seen “the beast,” but never changed the love and respect they have for me! See these kinds of people are keepers! These kinds are the kinds that love you the way God loves you! Hold them dear and appreciate them.
The entirety of me resides in all of my emotions raw! All of my expressions raw! Like a child raw! My sexuality raw! My ambitions raw! My spirituality raw! Just the totality of me in the rawest form of existence. RAW!
To isolate one is to cripple healing if it were to ever take place. The journey we must take today is to the places where we were made to feel inadequate about ourselves! So many of us end up making up for such inadequacies for the rest of our earthly lives! We allow ourselves to be cheated from fully living a life of worship!
We try to dance to the tunes of family, religion, culture and society. So many parents birth children, yes! but they do not love these children! They care for them, but at the core of love, they really don’t know how to love, because they also were not loved and accepted! They were catered for, albeit, provided for, but weren’t loved!
At the very core of the hierarchy of the human basic needs, we crave love and acceptance! That is somehow wired into us. Watch how the child comes out of the mother’s womb craving to suck the mother’s breast. We are needy by nature! We crave acceptance and when we are rejected by the very first place of suggested safety, we become easily exposed to the ultimate beast - the devil.
Again, let’s take a ride to your point of entry - your family(father, mother and siblings). Did you feel completely accepted or rejected? If we are able to answer this question honestly, then we might be on our way to healing the very core of our existence! Healing the very reason we feel angry about being angry! Healing the thoughts of feeling inadequate...
You must also know that you must first accept yourself, just the way you are.. all your emotions are yours, all your talents, gifts, strength, courage and boldness are yours!
People will abuse what they don’t understand, and what they don’t understand, they don’t appreciate, what they don’t appreciate, they can never love!
You need to wake up now to the reality that there is only one person who is capable of loving you at the very core of your existence; His name is Jesus! It’s no cliche. It is true! He is my peace and my calm! The lifter up of my head..
When I started to accept me, He started to heal me! When I started to release myself from all the prisons, He started to heal me.. So many have locked themselves in prisons, we often call it unforgiveness because people hurt us or betrayed us but in reality we are struggling to look ourselves in the mirror and admit our disappointment from being rejected by those we loved so hard. And maybe we loved so hard because we were secretly hoping they would love us as hard!
Healing is deep and I hope it tears open the layers you have shut in for so long! I had to tell myself at the very least that, this is me! Yes I am a sensitive being, sensitive to words, sensitive to everything around me. Being teased about it as a kid made me angry and yes I began lashing out in expression of anger! I locked that part of me away for four years to accommodate another, but I lost all of me in the process!
Listen, as crazy as it sounds, and some of y’all can say, but you’ll never find anyone to love you that way, then so be it! I think I have settled into the love that God has for me as long as I love me enough, maybe just maybe the universe of truth will bring someone as crazy as me my way right!
These are crazy resolves and they don’t fit into religion or anything in fact! But it is freedom to live in Christ just as you are.. Completely free to worship Him just as I am! Not worried about how I am to act perfectly to be accepted by anyone..
I have been asked by those I love and respect to change myself to accommodate them and I have lost myself in the process one too many times! Asking people to change to accommodate us will definitely impair identity, as they have to keep making changes with not just us but several other people in many dynamic relationships. What a conundrum!
Sooner than later the question of “who am I” would pop up in the balance of things.
The perfect way to love is truly seeking to understand rather than seeking to change. If God doesn’t change, why then do we think He wants us to change so much? I think we have a lot of things backwards.. God loves us just the way we are and it was SIN that caused a huge dent to our freedom to stand wholly before Him in worship! Jesus doesn't condemn you, He just gave you access through His blood.
In my growth, I am also learning to ask people to shift in their understanding rather than a shift in behavior. The only person capable of doing the shift in behavior is the Holy Spirit. But at the very core, you are you! I am me! This girl ain’t going nowhere! She loves passionately and when she gets angry, it is passionate, but fueled by a heart that’s loving.. I am also learning many new tricks to understand the richness of my own emotions. We are only as whole as the entirety of our expressions - body, soul and spirit. To feel whole is to feel whole on all three levels of being.
It is sort of how God gets angry but it doesn’t last! I never knew how much of my Father I had in me until now! I might get angry, but it doesn’t last more than a second. In fact, it literally dissipates like your offense never occurred!
At the very core, I am my Father’s Daughter - “Achness Mieve,” the beloved of the Lord. He knows my name and enjoys watching me love on His sons and daughters! He enjoys watching me worship Him fiercely! He enjoys what my anger causes in the devil’s kingdom, because when I groan in prayer, it literally shakes the kingdom of darkness! So you see, I am not letting this me ever go again! This is my story and it is my healing!